


Wizard Porn and Creepers

by amorae



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Gen, Love Story, Masturbation, Red Romance, Romance, Sex, Troll Romance, blah blah blah, flushed quadrant, in which I write crappy fanfiction and post it to ao3, lesbian, lesbians, red rom, stupid stupid romance, wizard porn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-12-13
Updated: 2011-12-14
Packaged: 2017-10-27 07:24:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/293168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amorae/pseuds/amorae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kanaya Maryam has discovered that she is woefully in red rom with Rose LaLonde. Thankfully, Rose LaLonde feels the human equivalent, called love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Set the Stage

**Author's Note:**

> I DECIDED TO DO A CHAPTERED FIC OH MY  
> Which means I may never finish it but if people ~enjoy~ what I have so far maybe I will.  
> I've been wanting to try my hand at a Rose/Kanaya fic for a while but I'm slightly terrified of writing Rose/Kanaya (since they're two of my favorite characters).  
> There will probably be sex because I am a lesbian and I think it sounds like fun to challenge myself by writing a lesbian sex scene. Yep. I make total sense.  
> This part is just...an introduction I guess. SoOoOoOoO.  
> let me know if you're enjoying it, what direction you think the fic should go in, blah blah blah. :D

==> Enjoy your depraved wizard sex stories.

 

Why, you haven’t the faintest idea of wh—

Oh. Everyone can read over your shoulder, can’t they? Since, you know, the fourth wall and everything. Your terrible desires are now laid out across the computer screen, being shown to everyone who has the ability to read and think for themselves. You put your head in your hands and blush profusely, an act that you are unaccustomed to doing in private, and attempt to justify your behavior to the crowd of judgers.

“What I am doing is in no way wrong or bizarre,” you tell the crowd. No one responds, because they’re too busy judging the author’s use of the word “pickle” as a euphemism for penis. “In the age of information and technology, it is certainly not abnormal and perhaps even _normal_ for teenagers to look up pornography every once in a while.”

But, oh, no! They can see your browsing history! You most certainly do not read this stuff “every once in a while.” In fact it is probably safe to assume that at every chance you get, you are reading wizard porn! You remember the time you were talking to John while reading wizard porn. You had put the pesterchum window in the corner of your screen and would periodically flick your eyes over to see what type of nonsensical nonsense was spilling out of John’s brain and onto the keyboard. Most of it was inane, and you couldn’t be bothered to read it. Finally, he had gotten frustrated and asked you if you were busy, and had joked as to whether or not you were indulging in porn. You had clicked out of the window so fast you actually froze your entire computer for a moment, before messaging John that, no, of course you were not busy, what could you help him with?

You look at the screen in front of you right now. It is a beautifully written scene of a young wizard finally being reunited with his childhood sweetheart. After some dialogue (that was in character and lovely, you might add), where the two characters express their undying love for one another and discuss the merits of their relationship, they decide to get their freak on.

And that’s where the pickle comes in.

 

==> This is getting out of hand, mayday, mayday, switch to the other character in this story!

 

Your name is Kanaya Maryam, and you are fascinated by the thought of human reproduction.

You are currently spying on Rose LaLonde, attempting to understand what goes on inside that blond head of hers. You have been keeping an eye on her for the past few days, actually, monitoring her behavior and website usage, as well as her interactions with her friends and her mother. She is truly a fascinating individual that has a surprise up her sleeve at every turn. Right when you think you understand her behavior and her mind, she shocks you. It is truly an insightful endeavor you are completing at the moment, one that has taken your concentration and focus, to the point where you have begun to ignore your own friends for the sake of watching over this beautiful, fascinating young woman.

 

==> Isn’t that a little creepy?

 

What is “creepy?”

You do not understand the human construct of “creepy.”

No, you hope that Rose would find these activities moderately endearing, if she were to ever find out. In fact, if you know anything about Rose and her personality, you _know_ that she would smile, say some witty remark that involved psychology and possibly Jungian theory, and then she would change the topic into more tepid waters. Rose would understand why you were partaking in this activity and would more than likely be flattered that you chose to do this with your time!

Rose would understand that you are doing this because you are feeling quite flushed for this young human individual.

Yes, you have finally crossed the boundary into red romance, it seems. You began to notice your feelings shortly after you first began trolling the girl. You began to admit your feelings shortly after you first met the girl in person. You began to act on your feelings shortly after you held her hand for the first time.

Which was an accident. Well, sort of.

 

==> **Flashback:** It was a dark and stormy night: the rain fell in torrents…

 

And Rose was entertaining the trolls and humans alike by reading various short stories from various authors. Although Edward Bulwer-Lytton did not make an appearance that night, Rose certainly regaled her crowd with various H.P. Lovecraft works, until John finally had enough and demanded that they put on a Nic Cage movie to ease the tension.

While most humans and trolls would have groaned at the mention of Nic Cage at any other time, most of them—meaning, everyone except Rose—were thoroughly scared and unnerved by Hitchcock, Poe, and Bradbury. They needed some amusement in their lives, even if it was in the form of laughing at John behind his back.

Rose settled herself into the corner of one of the couches, curling up into herself in order to make herself smaller. As one kid after another piled on top of the couch, it just so happened that Kanaya wound up right beside Rose that night. And by “right beside Rose,” what actually happened was that Kanaya was pressed almost uncomfortably against Rose’s shoulder. Neither had any clue what to do with their limbs, which were splayed out at awkward angles every which way. They shifted and groaned until Kanaya was practically in Rose’s lap, an arm looped around the pale girl’s shoulders and each green-tinged finger brushing carefully against the exposed skin of her forearm.

The movie started once all of the kids were situated. On the couch, in order from left to right: Rose, Kanaya, Vriska, Tavros, and a bouncy, overly-excited Jade. Kanaya can only purse her lips at the sheer irony of sitting next to Vriska, who just so happened to be sitting next to Tavros. No matter. Save the irony for the Strider. On the loveseat, John has nestled himself between Terezi and Karkat. He seems utterly oblivious to the feelings of blackrom that are rolling off of Karkat at that very moment. Kanaya watches as Karkat’s eyebrow twitches, ever so slightly. Terezi looks towards Karkat and practically shrieks, “I taste black!” before cackling. Dave has taken over the armchair, and no one has bothered to attempt to share it with him. He stares, impassively, at the group, his cool meter clearly reaching dangerous levels. The rest of the trolls are sprawled across the floor: Gamzee with his head pressed against Karkat’s knee, Feferi and Sollux near Dave’s chair, talking amicably together, quite oblivious to the rest of the world. Nepeta and Equius are also off together, Nepeta sitting practically in Equius’ lap as they roleplay together (the roleplay topic: their feelings about what is happening in the movie). Last, Eridan sits against the wall, away from the rest of the group, focusing intently on the screen. Are those tears in his eyes? _Already_?

Anyway. Now that the shipping wall has been declared and understood.

Kanaya felt her body blushing the longer she stayed within close proximity to Rose. She was sure her body temperature was rising, due to her embarrassment and very obvious attraction to the girl. It was quite awful, to be honest. It was all Kanaya could do not to jump out of the situation and run somewhere else—far, far away from potential redrom and what it might mean to humans.

As for Rose? She was quite enjoying having Kanaya wrapped around her. It almost felt like…like a…like a blanket of some sorts…so warm, and comfortable, and Kanaya’s skin was so _soft_ …which was unexpected, because of the keratin in the troll’s skin, which made their skin tough and armor-like, and Rose assumed that her skin must be so soft and _warm_ because she was a rainbow drinker, maybe it was the glow that made her skin so nice??

That was when Rose promptly fell asleep, nestled against Kanaya’s chest. In Rose’s sleep, her hand had slipped from its perch on her knee, and it had dangled in front of Kanaya’s hand. How could Kanaya not reach out and grab it?

And that’s how Kanaya wound up holding hands with a slightly snoring Rose while feelings of redrom and flushed quadrants washed over Kanaya in the most delicious ways imaginable.


	2. What Is Homosexual

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanaya trolls Rose and finds the answer to the age-old questions: what is homosexual? Are you homosexual? How can I tell if someone is homosexual?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had fun writing this pesterlog wheeeee
> 
> If you guys have a problem with the way I'm characterizing Kanaya/Rose, pleasepleaseplease let me know! I want to make sure this is as accurate as I can make it. Now that I'm chaptering this fic I hope that it leaves more of an opportunity for people to correct my errors and stuff :$
> 
> Enjoy!

==> End this sham of a flashback and get back to that funky wizard porn.

 

You’re almost too embarrassed to continue.

But of course, nothing gets in the way of you and your wizard porn.

You finish the story, enjoying the plot thoroughly, while also enjoying the sex at the same time. You’re not the biggest fan of heterosexual love stories, however. Usually, you prefer reading about two females who fall in love despite the fact that in their time period it’s unaccepted and considered a sin. Those are the stories that get you the most—the whole unrequited thing. You practically eat that shit for breakfast.

You’re a little surprised that, right at the exact moment when you finish the fic (a small smile of accomplishment and pleasure on your blackened lips), Kanaya begins to troll you.

 **grimAuxillatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]**

 **  
GA: Hello Rose  
GA: I Trust That This Is An Okay Time To Speak With You  
TT: Oh, hello, Kanaya. Yes, right now is a fine time to talk.  
TT: What do you wish to talk about?  
GA: I Wanted To Ask You A Few Questions About Humans  
GA: To Be More Specific I Was Hoping We Could Perhaps Discuss The Intricacies Of Human Relationships And Human Mating  
GA: I Have Been Doing Extensive Research On Both Topics But Have Not Come Up With Any Conclusive Information  
GA: The Most That I Have Discovered Is That Many Human Females Enjoy Reading A Novel Called Twilight Which Seems To Enrage Males In Many Ways Despite The Fact That The Main Characters Are Clearly Inhuman So They Pose No Threat To Their Masculinity  
GA: What I Am Trying To Get At Here  
GA: Is That I Do Not Understand Human Relationships At All And This Is Frustrating To Me  
TT: First and foremost, _Twilight_ is a novel written by a Mormon woman named Stephanie Meyer and most girls over the age of about fifteen recognize that the text is trite and riddled with error. It’s not a good case study of the complicity and complexity of human relationships.  
TT: I do believe your question is far too broad, however, Ms. Maryam.  
TT: What exactly about human relationships are you hoping to better understand?  
GA: What Is The Difference Between Homosexual And Heterosexual  
GA: And Why Is This Such A Big Deal To Humans  
GA: I Have Often Had To Listen To Karkat Complain About Johns Adamant Claims That He Is Not A Homosexual And I Have Wondered What That Means And Why It Prohibits John From Reciprocating Feelings Of Black Romance for Karkat  
TT: Heterosexuality is the term for attraction between opposite sex partners. The word derives from the Greek prefix “hetero,” meaning “different,” and the suffix “sexuality,” implying that the prefix is in relation to the “sexuality” of the noun.  
TT: Homosexuality, then, is the term for attraction between same sex partners. The prefix “homo” means “the same” and when tied together with the suffix “sexuality” it denotes the idea that the noun in question is attracted to the same sex.  
TT: On Earth there is quite a bit of controversy surrounding the topic of homosexuality versus heterosexuality due to old beliefs and old texts that possibly imply that homosexuality is wrong or somehow detrimental to an advanced society. In reality, the text has been misconstrued and misunderstood for many centuries, and in actuality the practice of homosexuality has by and large been accepted throughout the ages as a secondary relationship, while the heterosexual relationship posed as the primary.  
GA: I Am Baffled By The Concept That Being Attracted To The Same Sex Could Be Detrimental To An Advanced Society  
TT: The concept comes from a point in humanity’s history where reproduction was key to the survival of the species and any person who   
wasted a potential child was considered to be indulging in inappropriate activities.  
TT: It’s all very convoluted, really, and in modern times we are attempting to eradicate the feelings of wrongful doings when one commits a homosexual act or admits to having homosexual feelings. There have been plenty of instances of successful research that have shown rather conclusively that homosexuality is in fact a biological trait as opposed to a nurtured one and as a result the community as a whole in developed countries has become less hostile towards the movement of homosexual, or gay rights.  
GA: So When John Professes That He Is Not A Homosexual He Is Reacting To Social Stigma  
TT: That’s more difficult to ascertain, but, yes, one could make that assumption.  
TT: One could also make the assumption that John is hiding behind a veil of proposed heterosexuality in order to avoid dealing with his truly homosexual tendencies.  
GA: This Is All Very Informative  
GA: But What About You, Dave, and Jade  
GA: Are You Heterosexual or Homosexual  
**

Is Kanaya Maryam actually asking you this?

Yes, she actually is, isn’t she?

Subtlety is not one of her strong points, you suppose, as you dive right back into the conversation.

 **TT: I have my own suspicions that Dave is, in fact, a homosexual, or perhaps he is bisexual (bisexual meaning that he has no preference between the two sexes).  
TT: As for Jade, I do believe she is heterosexual, simply because she has not demonstrated to me any homosexual or heterosexual desires. Homosexuality is a rare enough occurrence that it is relatively safe to assume any human you meet is more than likely heterosexual. I would not be surprised if Jade came out as gay later in her life, however, and I would support her in her endeavors.  
GA: What About Your Sexual Preferences  
TT: I do believe that I am homosexual, called a “lesbian” by humans.  
TT: Despite this, sexuality is a rather fluid thing and often changes as a human grows older and matures. It is also not strictly one way or the other, so it is very possible that I could meet my proverbial “Prince Charming” and decide that I desire to spend the rest of my life with him someday.  
GA: What Is Prince Charming  
TT: It is a colloquial phrase humans often use in order to describe their “perfect” boyfriend.  
TT: Now, Kanaya, what was your motive in asking me these questions?  
GA: I Am Merely Completing Research On Your Species And On You, John, Jade, And Dave Specifically  
GA: I Hope To Understand You All Better With The Advent Of My New Knowledge  
GA: Perhaps It Will Help Me Better Understand Your Interactions With Each Other And Also With Us  
GA: But Any Way I Have Put Off My Gardening Far Too Long Now And I Believe My Flower Bushes Are Becoming Overgrown  
GA: I Do Hope That You Will Forgive Me For So Rudely Departing  
TT: Go take care of your flowers, Kanaya.  
TT: If you have any more questions or simply wish to talk, you know where to find me.  
GA: Thank You Rose  
GA: I May Take You Up On That Offer Later**

 **grimAuxillatrix [GA] has ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]**

Well.

That was weird.

Of course, you can see right through what Kanaya was trying to accomplish in that log. As you read over it, you pick up on some of the smaller subtleties that should have lead you to her ultimate desires long before they actually did.

You also pick up on the mentioning of her “bushes,” and you immediately feel your face flush red at the thought of her trimming _any_ type of bush.

 

==> Stop that, bad thoughts, bad thoughts, it’s not okay to think about friends cutting their bushes!

 

But Kanaya isn’t exactly a friend, is she? She obviously wants more. But do you?

You decide that, instead of dwelling on the idea that Kanaya may wish to be in a romantic relationship with you someday in the near future, you will instead read more of your depraved wizard porn.

 

==> Be the fascinated fashion-conscious troll trimming her bushes.

 

The whole controversy behind homosexuality and heterosexuality fascinates you. Moreso, Rose’s answer intrigues you. She admitted that she is homosexual, or gay, or a lesbian. There are so many different terms for the same thing that you feel as if you’re head is going to spin right off of your neck.

From the research you were able to conduct on your own, you came to the conclusion that humans have to different forms of relationships: love-based relationships and sex-based relationships. Usually, when humans decided to mate, or have sex, they were in love with one another. But this wasn’t always the case, and sometimes, people would have sex with people they didn’t know. People could also be in love and choose not to have sex. You were beginning to think that human romance might just be more complex than troll romance (something you had never considered before).

You suppose that the term “sexuality” denotes that a person is sexually attracted to another person, as opposed to being attracted to them in a romantic way. So, someone who was homosexual desired to have sex with others of the same sex. Rose had admitted that she preferred having sex with other women.

You’re a woman, right?

You look down at the space between your legs as you hold the shears between spindly fingers.

There’s a nook there, sure. You have somewhat wide hips that are similar to the female form on a human being. Your lips are wide and taut against your face, a lush black that resembles the black Rose paints onto her lips each and every day. You suppose that one of the traditionally non-feminine things about you is your horns, which have always caused you a sense of grief when you look at yourself in the mirror. Sure, they are not strictly masculine, but something about them has always set your face off in the most bizarre way and it has always made you uncomfortable with your reflection –

This is not the time for rambling! This is the time for quiet contemplation as to whether or not the Rose girl could ever have feelings of red romance for you.

Well, you deign. It is certainly possible. You have come to the conclusion that you are, indeed, female; you have also come to the realization that Rose herself is attracted to females. By the laws that govern logic, shouldn’t Rose be attracted to you as well?

Perhaps it is time to do some more investigating. You decide that you will do just this. You will ask Rose some more questions, you will continue watching her interactions, and you will continue trying to find ways to make her reciprocate your feelings for her. It shouldn’t be too hard, should it? After all—how hard can it be to make a girl fall in love?


End file.
